Day 30: Confused and Totally Irritable

Today isn't technically day 30 but I was too tired last night to post. So, I'll so a little catchup now while yesterday is still fresh in my brain.

Let me say as a precursor that I am extremely hesitant to post this blog. I feel like my writing is a lot more palatable when it is humorous, upbeat, and positive. Yet, if I'm going to make a sincere account of what an undertaking like this does to someone, I feel like I need to be honest, even if that means being a black cloud every once in a while.

So here it goes.

It has been near impossible for me to focus the last couple of days. It feel totally unmotivated and desperate for inspiration.

I keep pushing myself to work even though it is the last thing that I want to do, and it's really taking a toll on me emotionally. I feel disconnected from my work. Its become this abstract job that I must complete although I feel no compunction to do so or attachment to it or to the results.

Don't worry, I'm not about to cut off my ear.

The good thing is that I recognize this as a phase. I know that it will eventually pass and that I will feel enthusiastic about my work again. It isn't the end of the world, and although I know that my life would be so much easier as a marketing specialist, or a graphic designer, or a banker, or a mathematician, or a rocket scientist...it doesn't mean that I should throw in the towel.

I know from experience that the best thing for me to do when I feel like this is to keep working. Maybe its my pioneer ancestry, (growing up singing songs like "Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel") or maybe its the fact that as a child I was told by my Dad that if there was no work left to do in the world, he would have me dig a hole in the yard and fill it back up again. The only thing that makes my mood brighten when I am in despair, feeling unmotivated, untalented and doomed, is to work even harder.

Also, I've realized that I should always follow my gut when I am working on a painting. I experimented with my last jelly fish, soliciting the opinions of others before I was truly done with the painting. I was told, in good humor, things like "its the worst painting you've done in years, it looks like it belongs on Spongebob, it looks like the logo for a fast food restaurant, its too bright, it hurts my eyes to look at it". The fact is, I knew it was not dynammic and that it was unfinished. I knew that there were things about the painting that made it an eyesore. But when I start second guessing myself and appealing to the tastes and opinions of others, I really made some bad decisions artistically. It would be one thing if I was painting a commission for someone and I was catering to their specific requests regarding color, subject matter, and style. But I was just trying to make it awesome.

Don't get me wrong, I welcome critiques. But brash insults and baseless commentary do little to help me grow artistically, and end up only discouraging.

On that note, I love the jellyfish painting now. I think its *awesome*, and the best it has ever been.

And Now, I have a long day laid out before me. I'll check back in later tonight with the results.