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I don't know what people see on me, a good girl with a bright smile and happy life? Well, I used to be so introvert about my family story. But today I gather my nerves to say loudly: "I am not well at all. I am sick.."
Last night my father just yelled at me simply because I asked him not to turn of the stove (I just boiled water for taking bath). Then he said: "Buta yah, liat yg dimatiin itu yg manaaa. Bego sihh!!!". Then I said (gently, really): "Abis kan Papa suka begitu". After that, he yelled at me like "Dasar taii ga kerja apa-apa di rumah. Bantu orang tua juga engga. Dasar anak kurang ajar. Sana lo cari duit yang banyaak. Keluarga lo pada miskin-miskin.."
This was not the first time. Indeed it happens a lots with every kind of scene. Me, my sister, and my brothers never have conversations like father and his children for like years. Even we seldom talk to our father every day. We surely can count how many times we talk to him per week and it's only about him giving money to us (we are afraid to ask actually, so we are used to get money from Mom or just wait until he realizes that we don't have any money).
...
...
...
I really like to hear my friend's family story or read books about family. I know. I need something to fill the hole in my heart, something to warm, and something to hold on my picture about a happy family. But now it all seems not enough. The toxic has been spreading out in my blood.
My dear friend once introduced me a nice song from John Legend, Daughter:
On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Then my tears suddenly came down..
...
...
I begin questioning about love and marriage. Every night before falling asleep, we are used to have a chat with Mom. She keeps saying about divorce (which she never has courage to do it) and broken family (indeed we already are). Then I figure out about myself. I don't want to end up like this. I see it either in the real life or in the movie, there's something called 'loving marriage'. Yes I do believe, there is outside..
My past relationships can not be proud of. Yeahh shit happened, either me being a jerk or him. But in this year I will be 22. It's time to be settled. I am looking for someone who can bring the good in me, someone who will stay with me, and someone to share the life. But somehow, as much as I want to meet the one, as far as I am from him. Because when I meet someone, all I can picture out about him is he's gonna be like my father..
And the worst, I begin acting like my father for rebellion
Last night my father just yelled at me simply because I asked him not to turn of the stove (I just boiled water for taking bath). Then he said: "Buta yah, liat yg dimatiin itu yg manaaa. Bego sihh!!!". Then I said (gently, really): "Abis kan Papa suka begitu". After that, he yelled at me like "Dasar taii ga kerja apa-apa di rumah. Bantu orang tua juga engga. Dasar anak kurang ajar. Sana lo cari duit yang banyaak. Keluarga lo pada miskin-miskin.."
This was not the first time. Indeed it happens a lots with every kind of scene. Me, my sister, and my brothers never have conversations like father and his children for like years. Even we seldom talk to our father every day. We surely can count how many times we talk to him per week and it's only about him giving money to us (we are afraid to ask actually, so we are used to get money from Mom or just wait until he realizes that we don't have any money).
...
...
...
I really like to hear my friend's family story or read books about family. I know. I need something to fill the hole in my heart, something to warm, and something to hold on my picture about a happy family. But now it all seems not enough. The toxic has been spreading out in my blood.
My dear friend once introduced me a nice song from John Legend, Daughter:
On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Then my tears suddenly came down..
...
...
I begin questioning about love and marriage. Every night before falling asleep, we are used to have a chat with Mom. She keeps saying about divorce (which she never has courage to do it) and broken family (indeed we already are). Then I figure out about myself. I don't want to end up like this. I see it either in the real life or in the movie, there's something called 'loving marriage'. Yes I do believe, there is outside..
My past relationships can not be proud of. Yeahh shit happened, either me being a jerk or him. But in this year I will be 22. It's time to be settled. I am looking for someone who can bring the good in me, someone who will stay with me, and someone to share the life. But somehow, as much as I want to meet the one, as far as I am from him. Because when I meet someone, all I can picture out about him is he's gonna be like my father..
And the worst, I begin acting like my father for rebellion
